Growing with Grief

Disclaimer: The following blog does not serve as a substitute for receiving an evaluation, diagnosis and/or counseling services administered by a licensed professional. If you are in need of professional help, please give us a call, or visit sites like www.therapyforblackgirls.com, www.psychologytoday.com, www.therapyden.com to connect with a licensed therapist near you. 

When losing a loved one, you are not only faced with the grief around the loss of the person, but you are also grappling with the grief of losing your life as it once was, and in some cases, how it has always been. Some may feel that they may have escaped the grieving process, as they deal with daunting administrative tasks that occupy their mind immediately after the loss. However, once everything is silent, they begin to notice a change.

The Uncommon Changes

Some say they can’t concentrate at work and feel as if they may need an evaluation for ADHD. Some notice a change in their sleeping patters and eating habits. One may present to their primary care physician seeking relief from these physical symptoms.

Pinpointing the Issue on Your Own

As you begin working towards treatment of the physical symptoms, you notice that you are still dealing with unrecognizable emotions and social reactions (i.e. mood swings, isolation, confusion, etc.). You may do some self-study and even recognize that you’re dealing with grief.

The Process of Self-Study

You then began to walk yourself through the Stages of Grief. Then you say to yourself, “why am I stuck in this stage,” “why did I move backwards to a stage I’ve already been through,” not realizing the stages are not linear. Unfortunately, as comforting as this idea may feel, we do not complete one stage and move to the next until completion.

Seeking Professional Help

At this point, you may feel like giving up, but before doing so, I want to be able to normalize what you’re feeling and offer some steps to growing with grief.

1.      Give yourself some grace. Your brain is grappling with a change that it has never known before. There’s no linear system, nor time limit to grief.

2.      Identify your support system. Surround yourself with people who will validate your feelings and provide support during this time. People often feel as if they do not want to burden others with their “issues” but having a healthy distraction can be a helpful way to cope during this difficult time. A distraction is not necessarily someone you chat with about the problem, but simply someone who can provide their presence, even in moments of silence.

3.      Lean on your support system. Once identified, do not be afraid to lean into the help offered by others.

4.      Know that sometimes grief is complicated. It is possible to have conflicting feelings while grieving, as the person you are grieving may have been attached to a source of trauma in your life. This form of grief can be difficult to navigate on your own and it may be beneficial to talk to a professional specializing in grief to work through those complicated thoughts and feelings.

5.      Understand that secondary grief is common. We not only lose our loved one, but we also lose our life as we know it. Sometimes we have only known our life with that person, and maybe they took care of so many things that have now fallen into your hands. What now? How do I navigate the loss of my loved one, as well as the loss of an income, a support person, a decision maker, and a part of our daily routine.

6.      Know that it is possible to grow around this grief. When we’re in the throes of mourning and grief, we may feel that life will never be the same. There is truth in this, as your life will look different in the future, but know that you can grow around this and learn healthy ways to continue to love, care and remember your loved one without overwhelming feelings grief, guilt and/or shame.

7.      Seek out a trained professional. Seek out a professional who is trained in grief counseling and can offer an empathetic space for you to process though these difficult thoughts and feelings.

8.      A note for the supporters. This is not a time to rush your loved one through the grieving process. Simply being present and lending an ear can be enough to assist your loved one during this time. The grieving individual may not ask for help, so offering specific things to do for them may be helpful. This may look like the supporter cooking dinner, offering to assist with the kids or even running a few errands for your loved one.